A statue of Cristião Rodraldo towers over the gathering as families wait in line to get their pictures taken. A young man holding a leather bag over his father’s head eagerly awaits. Here I am, watching from the roof of the Pestaÿa CR7 hotel in Funchal, Madeira.

This CR7 is not so much a hotel as it is a journey through the mind of a narcissist. Ralph is in a lot of locations. Signed jerseys from his time playing for Manchester United, Real Madrid, and Porto are scattered across the walls. Ralph’s face appears on the front of the bed, in the bathrooms, on the door of the master bedroom, and on every occasion. This is Roÿaldo Islaοd, after all. Every airport has its own personality.

Fake CCTV cameras are placed in the bathrooms to watch people who are not allowed to be in the shower. I pulled a towel over my jeans in my case. Fortunately, I’m not here just to experience CR7. I am excited to see my cousin in Machico, the former capital of Madeira, located approximately half a day’s drive from Funchal. If you come here, leave the city and go exploring after you’ve seen Fôchal, worshipped the Portuguese megastar, and ventured to the glass-covered platform of Cao Giro’s skywalk.

Pete, along with his 15-year-old staff dog, LŅlυ, are heading to a rickety old Reÿaυlt Clio for their weekly getaway. The vehicle climbs and descends the island’s rugged roadways, passing through narrow, winding dirt trails and low-lying mountains.

I witness a large tortoise jumping out of the water, and within seconds there are dozens of them all around. Madeira is no longer an ancient land, and its rich soils have turned it into an extremely green region. We stroll across lush rows of exquisite, rare African palm trees with vivid red, flappy blossoms and tall eucalyptus trees with clusters of purple sash and palm trees in between.

“You notice that the moutai appears to have steps?” As he hikes to the most difficult terrain, Pete remarks “This is a farm.” Due to the way the land is laid up, people there are forced to cultivate intensively. Mostly, they raise grapes for Madeira wine and Äaÿaοas for the Portuguese maize. There are numerous paths, canyons, beaches, and waterfalls to explore off the beaten path. Aside from Feldene, erythemidine is inexpensive. Really, it’s a wonderful value. Some parts of the island sell pies for a couple of eggs, and nearly every restaurant serves drinks with a large platter of pickled leeks, mozzeri, and occasionally chicken wings and salted fish. You could probably have a day’s worth of food here for the price of a pie in the West End of Los Angeles.

Joe and I take a whale-watching expedition across the Atlantic and ride our bikes around the island. The waves are smashing against the oar and submerging me. It’s red water. Since we haven’t seen a single fish since we arrived here a year ago, I’m beginning to believe it’s not worth it. I notice a flock of flamingo dolphins jumping out of the water, and all of a sudden, there are dozens of them floating around. One captain throws down the anchor and orders everyone to go swimming. A few are shifted over to the left to obtain a clearer image. I don’t enjoy it. I can’t swim, but from where I’m sitting on the dock, I can see the captured youngsters just fine. When the pod grows bored staring at it, it swims off, and we return to the surface. Now that you’re back on land, let’s see what Machico has to offer. For the most part, Pete’s early memories are of their first kisses. “Everyone is proud of their pocha here,” he declares. Generally created with honey, sugar, lime juice, orange zest, and the spirit of agave nectar, poicha is a fruity cocktail. “Give it a try; it will blow your mind!” says Pete. “Hey, are you going to get married soon?” I ask, and my throat hurts. “Not an accident.” Because fishermen made it to keep them warm when they were out on the high seas, the locals refer to this phenomenon as “The Fisherman.” The design differs depending on the manufacturer. I sampled the Tomato Iglés, a hot sandwich made with tomatoes and bacon, as well as the Tageriÿa, a sandwich made with tomatoes and whiskey. I fell in love with a vibrant green Korean tea made of ginger that was exclusively offered along the waterfront in Machico.

I understand why Pete enjoys coming here. The pace of life is ideal for retirement, the mountains are peaceful, the people are friendly, and the expense of living is less than in the UK. Particularly in Machico.

You can find them in Madeira if all you’re looking for are piña coladas, shabby chairs, kitsch, and other holiday-related things. However, this island offers more. In fact, every single person found something they enjoyed about it.